ETSS: Prevention and Recovery

Sure! you think it'll never happen to you, but I'm here to say that emergency trail-side shits (ETSS) can happen and you may be next.

Some early warning signs of ETSS:

• The nagging question of should I "go" before I run turns into thoughts of "perhaps I should have gone before."
• Several knocks at the rear door so to speak
• Any run after a high fiber meal

How do you know you're in an ETSS situation?

• All you can think about is answering that knock at the door.
• You're on a part of the trail that has lots of other runners
• You're wondering if running cross-legged is possible
• And, finally, you could care less if you were in Times Square this issue is NOW!

Here are some of my recommendations when ETSS hits:

• Find a discrete part of the trail from which it's unlikely you'll be seen
• Screw it! That bush will do just fine!!
• Should you be "discovered", I suggest a friendly wave. Since most people on the trail rarely look at you, let alone wave you should be okay. Should they be looking at you, I'm sure they'll be so distracted by your friendliness that they aren't likely to notice your running shorts around your ankles.
• Spend a few relaxing moments, wondering what the motorists on the highway that overlooks your trail must be thinking. And when you might hear "an interesting -I swear this is true" anecdote at a party. Should ETSS last that long, consider your defense of "that poor runner" without raising suspicions.
  
• Look for a creek, puddle, or rain drop that might provide some "sanitary benefit" post ETSS. Try not to notice what's in that creek, puddle, etc.
• Repeat 50 times: "I will not run before visiting the mayor."